Butterfly Cosmos

To Do List

2008-11-04T12:26:00.000-08:00

My massive academic to-do list. This may not be totally complete, but its ok.

- Reading
o Research Chapter 3
o Research Chapter 4
o Law and Society Chapter 3
o Law and Society Chapter 8
o Law and Society Chapter 5
o History Textbook
o Words and Deeds
o Husband Abuse Article
o Mother Courage
- Memorize lines for Murder Pattern
- Godot Review
- A Skull In Connemara Review
- Law and Society Eugenics paper research
- Research for Family paper
- Start Social research proposal
- Start script project
- Family paper Rough draft
- Research for History paper
- Rough draft for history paper
- Final history paper
- Final family paper
- Finish script project
- Finish Social research proposal
- Flash cards
o Social research
o Drama
o Family
o Sociology of Law
o History
- History timeline
- Research Exercise 4

Pictures of Me

2008-05-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

Trying out makeup styles for grad. I think my lips were too pink in this one.

My hair trial for grad. I should look a little happier, right?

Another shot of the hair trial. Yes, this is all my hair.

On the way to the first photoshoot for grad. I had to sit in the back seat of the car because my dress wouldn't fit in the front.

You know, I should have looked happier. At least back then I knew my place in the world. Unlike now. I'm confuzzled as to where I belong. I'm a drifting young adult.

Taken in January of 2008. I look almost angelic, eh? In my room in my shared apartment.

September 2007. Settling into the dorm room. Don't I ever have a lovely cleft in my chin?
OMG! Haircut!
Evidence of letting my hair grow out from the grad dye-job.
Made up for a concert that turned out to be a bust and a waste of $15.

Taken in April. Picture I took to try and cheer Derek up.
Missing Derek.
Energy for finals.

April. Lookin how I feel. I love my fedora.

Just some random rambling

2008-05-06T13:16:00.000-07:00

I went back to work yesterday, and am I out of shape! I was so stiff and sore by 3:00, I couldn't believe it. I can't believe I'm only saying this one year later, but I need my high school body back! It's not that I've gotten fat (although I have packed on a couple), but I've lost all former body tone. At least after about a week, some of my pants don't feel as tight. Yeah! for not having to fight with my pants.

I've been doing some thinking, and realized I was in a bit of a funk for the past 8 months. It was probably the transition and getting used to everything new. The only stable, and familiar person I had around most of the time was Toria, and even then. I basically spent 8 months with people I just met, in new strange surroundings. I feel so much more at peace now that I don't really have to worry about anything and I'm home now. Derek is closer, and we both feel so much better that we can at least see each other once a week and there isn't so much physical distance between us.

I need to push the cuticles back on my fingernails.
And I am incredible broke. The poor student thing is NO JOKE. Even though I hate it, I know I will have to let Derek pay for a lot of things for me in the subsequent years, as long as he still puts up with me. That boy is a saint.

I finished another book today. Yeash.

Freaking Out

2008-05-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

I will make this short and sweet. I keep freaking out thinking about how the world is going to end and the cause will be plastic. Not a nuclear explosion, but an excess of plastic.

Please stop overpackaging, over-consuming, and wasting. I want the world to be around in a few decades.

I am seriously having panic attacks over thinking the world is going to end. And only Derek seems to be the one who can soothe my panic attacks.
Agoraphobia anyone?

I'm managing

The Hair

2008-05-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has read any of the travelling pants books knows what I am talking about. Bridget and her hair. The long, straight blonde hair she has that everyone stares at. I think I know a little about that character, because I've got something like it.

My hair is blonde, and I'm letting it grow out the darker colour it naturally is, because I thought that it would look nicer, and it does. All my natural highlights and lowlights can finally come out.

People stare at my hair because it shines in the sun. I remember my friends and classmates from high school feeling my hair and commenting on how soft it is. Well yeah for Swedish/German ancestry and good hair products. Strike that. Using very little hair products. lol.

It's nice to have a blog to ramble on in again.

Summer Music

2008-05-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

Music always seems different to me in the summer. I don't know why. It's not that it sounds different, but it feels different to me, it causes different feelings in me. I don't know what it is about it, but my summers are marked by the music that I hear.

Summer and good weather itself feel differnt to me. Whenever there is a beautiful day, I always want to share it with Derek. Maybe it's because we met in the summer. It's especially the music from the summer of 2005 that makes me nostalgic.

Music and books. My constant summer companions.

2008 Posts until now

2008-05-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

Jan. 3rd, 2008 at 10:36 PM
Love is great. Love is excellent. To be corny and unoriginal, I love being in love. Even better is the person I love. I think I care about him more than anything else in the world. He's the person that has the ability to love and hurt me the most of anyone and anything.Yet, for the most part of the next few months we are seperated by about 300 km. I am only guaranteed in seeing him once a month. I miss him so much right now. It almost been 24 hours since I last saw him, but it feels longer. I've spent almost my whole holidays with him. He's held me, played with me, helped me out around the house, and slept beside me. I miss him so much.He doesn't even know.This is why I don't let myself get too attached to things, people, or too excited about anything. Cause I cry when I lose it.I cried before I left. I cried when he was leaving. I shouldn't have got this attached.

January 7, 2008

Dear Othello,
Why are you so stupid? Why is everyone around you so stupid? Can’t you see that Iago is manipulating you all? Well. Whatever. I’ll just let you go on your merry way.
It’s a tragedy. Everyone of importance dies in the end anyway.
Signed, someone forced to read your play for a 100 level English class

January 10, 2008

I am not single. Nor have I been single for over two years, almost two and a half now. I love it, and I love him. Being in love with someone who loves me so much back is amazing.
However, the stress of it sometime drives me insance. He’s still in high school until June, and lives three hours away. Until I finish school in April, I’m only guaranteed to see him once in a month. The feelin of missing him physically affects me and hurts sometimes.
A lot of the time, I do live a life of a single person. I’ll flirt, go out with my friends, and not worry about another person. However, major decisions, there is another person I have to consider. I can’t randomly pick up and move to B.C. without hurting him.
If I could swear off any romantic relationships with men, I could probably do so much more with my life. I would travel to Ireland, England, and Japan to do some studying. I would pursue my career in law, and then maybe into government to the fullest.
But I can’t, because I have another person to think about. I will most likely be married with the next five years. I will most likely have two kids by the time I’m 30. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love that. I want that. I want the family, the career.
However, next time I hear a person complaining about being single, I’m going to have to fight against the urge to say “Enjoy it.” Unless your 40, and have never been with someone in a meaningful relationship, deal. If you haven’t been in a serious relationship before the age of 20, or 25, make the most of it. Travel, enjoy, live. Make your own decisions for life. You can do what you want for yourself, and not have to worry about another person in the process.
I was going to go to school in B.C. Than I realized that it would break my heart to leave my boyfriend behind. Single people don’t have to worry about that.

January 11, 2008

It has taken me months and months to finally realize this, but I love my tummy. I love my nose, my arms, legs, and those teeny little love handles that take me out of the range of a stick figure finally. I basically love everything about my body nowadays, except the cellulite. But who can love cellulite? It looks like cottage cheese has taken refuge under my skin and is bubbling up towards the surface. But, it’s genetic. My mother, grandmother, and I’m sure my great-grandmother had it. So, I live with it. And if people actually take the time to notice it, other than me (or my boyfriend), they have way too much interest in looking at me.
I think everyone in good health should love their body. If they are built a little bigger, so what? Why should the media tell us they have to hide their “jelly roles”? If they want to show off their bodies, so be it. Power to ‘em. I’m skinny, and I don’t show off my body like some of the teeny boppers out there. Of course, I beleive in modesty. Underwear is part of my normal routine, coming off only to shower, use the bathroom (and well, other things). And I’m sorry if I don’t appreciate looking at your thong or butt crack. I don’t find it attractive, and the six people beside me don’t find it attractive. But, that’s just my opinion. Dress however you want, cuz public nudity isn’t legal (yet).
I beleive obesity is a bad thing, and people who are so overweight it affects their health and daily life should change their diet and exercise habits. But if the BMI puts you at 30 or 32, but you feel healthy, lively, eat right, and get around, go get ‘em. However, if your doctor is telling you that your weight, food, and exercise habits are putting your health at risk, love your body and do something about it.
I hate going to the gym by myself. I feel weird, except when I’m running the track. But it’s a cold walk in the winter, so I bought Dance Dance Revolution to keep me in shape. Just another way to show my body that I love it. I get it moving and not reading on my skinny ass all day. Yay me.
Please, love your body. Diet pills are bogus, anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement, and don’t believe everything the media stuffs down your throat, guys and girls. (Boys, just because your not ripped, and comfy to cuddle up to doesn’t make you fat. 5′7″ and 135 pounds is just scrawny.)

February 13, 2008

I’m one of those people. You might be too. And if you aren’t, maybe you are lucky, maybe not.
Stress isn’t a factor for those people, until it builds to the point where it physically affects you when something triggers it. That trigger doesn’t have to be conscious, but you will still have that mild anxiety attack and not know why. It can be something as stupid as someone not returning your call because they got in late from having their own life, and they were tired and wanted to go to sleep. If you are one of those people, and want to talk to the person who has a habit of not returning your calls for the reason that they have a life to live outside of you, than especially with all that stress built up, well. it triggers more than a small anxiety attack.
It triggers a fucking waterfall. The world suddenly hates you, but yet you know you should be thinking how lucky and grateful you are to have what you have. And that makes it even worse, because you know just how fucking selfish and fucking stupid you are being. Which detergenarates to you hating yourself even more, because if you are that selfish and that stupid, then you don’t deserve any of the good things you have. You deserve nothing, and should exchange yourself right away with one of those poor war orphans in Africa who deserve the great life you have.
If you are one of those people, you try to do everything you can for someone else, if just for the betterment of yourself, but guess what? No one gives a flying fuck. And you know that. Everytime someone forgets your birthday, or doesn’t even say thank you for something you thought of to do for them to make them feel appriatiated, you know that. And you wonder why the fuck you even bother to make those gestures. Is it worth that five seconds of the good feeling you get for doing something nice for someone else when in the long run you know that everyone is taking advantage of you. Yet, in every way, just by existing you are taking advantage or everyone else. So that starts the vicious cycle all over again.
If you are one of those people, when it all snaps for you, you believe you should be a bum on the street, because you are that aweful of a person. Your hard work is nothing, because you are so fucking selfish that you are only doing it for your own personal gain.
If you are one of those people, you wonder why half the time anyone fucking loves you. You’re such a sycophant, aren’t you. You try WAY too hard. You are such a kiss-ass, the only time your lips aren’t plastered to someone’s ass is when they are touching the air transfering asses.
If you are one of those people, than you should be able to give anything good about your life to someone who deserves it.
If you are one of those people, then maybe you should suggest (from one of those to another) what kind of nice medication will keep you high enough to not give a flying fuck anymore that no one will care when you make selfless gestures on Valentine’s Day. It’ll help ease the pain when you remember that it is because you are one of those people that you didn’t get anything, rarely got anything, and will probably barely get any thoughtful things in the future, for any occasion.
Cheers for being one of Those People.

February 16, 2008

So, what did everyone do with their Valentine’s Day? I happened to have an interview for a VP position in a university club (which I got because of my qualifications) and a lab quiz in biology. Horray! My boyfriend lives three hours away from me, so I did nothing romantic. My evening was taken up by laundry, studying for a sociology midterm, and dying one my friend’s hair a nice bright hot pink. The kicker? That friend is a guy. It was fun. Made him look like an anime character at one point.
But, I digress. The hallmark holiday is another 365 days away now, and those who are single have a full year to find someone to share the next one, or be forced to experience another Single Awareness Day. Those who are attached are safe until the next romantic holiday, unless of course you find yourself joining the ranks of the single.
Did you know that there are more than one St. Valentine? This “holiday” is really schewed. No one can trace any real, definite origin or it, or even a trace of an origin. Valentine’s day as we know it started sometime in about the 1700-1800’s. In many culture’s, Valentine’s Day is a time for singles to perform all sorts of rituals to find the one they are meant to marry. YAY!! Superstition.
Oh, what an excuse for couples to make each other feel guilty, and a way for the consumer society to prove even more the fact of hyperconsumption.
I do celebrate Valentine’s Day, but I would rather that it wasn’t spent celebrating by spending money. Breakfast in bed would be nice, or watching a movie on the couch.
Don’t blow your money on holidays. Money doesn’t equal love. The Beattles put it best: “Don’t have no time for money, ’cause money can’t buy me love.”

April 14, 2008

Because of the post http://lovemeformexox.wordpress.com/2008/04/12/inner-confidence/, and the numerous questions I’ve been getting from those younger than me who want to go to university, I guess I’ll elaborate on my experience.
First off, I was scared and nervous about going to univerisity, and I was heading for a city I knew. I have tons of relatives here, and my grandparents live about 5 blocks away from my residence. Yet, I was still nervous because I was going off to live on my own. Or at least semi-alone. I was also upset because I would be moving yet even farther from my boyfriend, who still had a year of high school to complete. I already hated being a half hour drive from him, and I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him only maybe twice a month (we’ve averaged every three weeks so far this year).
I moved into my residence the Friday of the Labour Day weekend. I met 4 out of five roommates I would be sharing my apartment with. And believe me, some first impressions are rock on (2 of my roommates I had a good idea about them right away when I met them and their parents), but some aren’t. Examples:1) One roommate, lets call her Y, gave me the impression that she was a nice-ish girl, who I could live with for a year. That impression changed. Y is a spoiled little brat who desperately needs to grow up. She brags, gets drunk, treats people she doesn’t want anything from like shit, has a superiority complex, is obsessed with her weight (she’s about 5 foot 1, and 130 lbs of pure muscle). Yes, I can tolerate her sometimes, but we both know we are not going to stay in contact after we move out at the end of the month.2) The one roommate (Mea) I met on the first night I thought I would be scared of her. For one, she’s a bigger girl, and looked like she was going to break me in half when she brushed by me in the hallway. She didn’t talk, kept to herself, and to be honest I thought she was going to spend the whole year in her room. This girl has become one of my closests friends. It was me and her alone in the apartment for most of the weekend. The other girls stayed with their parents in hotels or went back home for the weekend. We got to know each other, and we plan on living together for years.
My building is pretty sociable, so I made some aquaintances the first night there at a party a few floors down. And the two guys Mea and I met in the loungue are still our buds. One of them is now my boyfriend’s permanent drinking buddy (they have a lot in common).
I’m also a member of what is known as “the smart kids club” here at the university. They had a special orientation for the first year members, and the friends I made there are people I’ll stop to talk to when I meet them, and love to hang out with them. I met a lot of people at orientation, but I only remember a couple of them.
I’ve met a ton of people through my roommates and for writing for the university newspaper. Some people I’m sure I will keep in contact with for life. Others are good people to know for the time being. I guess it helps that I am an extrovert and can talk to people randomly. There is only one class this term that I don’t really know anybody in, and that’s because it seems I’m the only person who didn’t sign up for the class with a friend already.
I can’t answer anyone’s questions about guys though. I’ve met a few, and I don’t seem to have any problem with attracting them. But, as I tell Mea, I always have to turn them down because I have a boyfriend who I am committed to. Besides, boys are distracting.
Though I hate the homework sometimes, and question why I’m here when I am homesick, I’m pretty happy with my university experience so far.

And that is all my blogging that I have saved thus far.
Now for some new chapters.

2007 Posts

2008-05-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

Jan. 4th, 2007 at 11:38 PM
Ever feel like you could just escape out of your skin? Like your soul could wrench itself from this mortal flesh and fly where you wish you could be right now? Right now I want to be beside the water, under the stars, in the arms of my soul’s mate. And I don’t want the world to see meCause I don’t think that they’d understandWhen everything’s made to be brokenI just want you to know who I am(GooGoo Dolls)I want to be outside with the wild, not having to worry or stress out about anything, to be totally and completely free in the world. But I want him there beside me. I want it all. The romantic evenings, the nights under the stars. You would think I just met him, the way I act. Love is funny. It does things to you that you can’t comprehend. Sometimes you love them, and sometimes it goes away, but then it comes back stronger than ever. You want to protect them forever, hold them in your arms. Snuggle up to them and fall asleep. Stay up all night then smile at each other all the next day, sharing your secret. I hate myself without you now(Marianas Trench)

Jan. 14th, 2007 at 10:49 PM
I wish….. I wish everything that made me happy could last forever. It’s a small thing to ask, yet it is the most impossible thing on this earth. Nothing lasts forever. Things always change. I just wish…..I wish I could spend one night just sleeping beside him, without anyone objecting, or making fun, commenting, or questioning the innocence. That peace I feel, the comfort of having someone’s warm, comforting body resting by mine…I sleep peacefully that way. No thoughts disturbing my rest, someone there to hold me tight when I am completely terrified in a storm. I’m too big to find that comfort in my parents anymore. I’m almost an adult, but every human craves that feeling of being loved and being safe. It’s amazing to realize that this one person knows something is not quite right with me, even when my charade is fooling everyone else around me. He can sense something is wrong, and I don’t know how. Maybe the same way I know when something is not quite right with him. Love, and be loved. It’s a very nice feeling. When my mother and other people say maybe I shouldn’t count on getting married to him, or being with him forever, it makes this shadow creep into my mind. By why should it? If you ask someone if they could be with that first person they loved (if the circumstance that brought them apart was external, not internal), I bet a good chunk of them would answer yes. Sure, that new feeling is great, but finding that someone that can meld into you like they are part of you is hard to find. The feeling that you’ve found a kindred spirit. A mate of the soul.

Sep. 13th, 2007 at 4:35 PM
In S'toon at university now.I've made friends, but right now I'm lonely.Know why?I really miss Derek and all that used to be familiar.I like my roommates, but I miss my familiarity.Oh, and kissing withdrawal.

Sep. 14th, 2007 at 7:03 PM
I cross it almost everyday now, twice a day, sometimes more. It's the crosswalk on College, the essential pathway of myself and every other resident at McEown Park. Oh, College, how I loath you. It is a very busy street, because essentially, it is a highway as well. Therefore, oppurtunites to use the crosswalk and very short and far between in time intervals. Many a time in the past week and a half, I've been running late for class and get to the crosswalk just as it flashes that damned orange hand. "Don't walk or you will get flattened" is what this orange hand says silently. I've come to hate the orange hand of College, just as the rest the other hundreds of McEown Park residents do. We all have to use that crosswalk to get to campus, and it's a pain in the ass frankly. I know there is a pedestrian overpass, about a five minute walk out of the way, and you have to enter it through the parkade. The amount of time spent walking there could be more easily spent counting silver cars speeding down College. I know it is an expensive undertaking, but that damn sky-crosswalk is in the wrong place. And it's not only McEown Park residents that get caught twidling their thumbs at College, numerous other students take the stroll from the south side of the university to arrive at College to wait for the happy white man to appear. We need to see more of that happy white man, but the migration of several hundred univeristy students on foot and bikes aren't enough to disrupt the flow of traffic. The city would never disrupt their timing for us part time S'toonians. It would be too much to ask; we will just have to wait. It's not so bad now. However, January and February are a different story. I guess we could keep warm and amuse ourselves by going back and forth across the Cumberland crosswalk. Getting across Cumberland is fairly easy. Lots of oppurtunity to cross Cumberland. However, there is also a lot of oppurtunities to get hit by a bus on campus. I've seen quite a few first years (myself included) have some close calls with the local transit industry. Cars, buses, taxis, other bicyclists all pose potential death threats to the ordinary pedistrial wandering around Campus drive or near the PAC building. Maybe I'm just a small town girl, and I need to get used to big city traffic, but another thought leaps into my mind: Aren't pedestrians and bicyclists traffic too?

2006 Posts

2008-05-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm moving everything from my old blogs here to keep it in one place. Now everyone can find Zephyr at one convient location.

Nov. 16th, 2006 at 5:45 AM
My high school is a small high school in a small town. It's grades seven to twelve, about two hundred students every year. Most of the kids aren't too bad. Sure, there are some cliques, and kids who fall into the juvenile delinguent category, but we haven't had anything really horrible happen at our school. No one has died tragically, or destroyed something huge.Now is a different story. A small group of kids, aged 12-15, male and female, are planning to do something in our school. These kids already intimidate much of the rest of the school, and they are in grade 7, 8, and 9. They have even elected a chief. All of this group (I cringe to use the word "gang") have criminal records already, and one has been expelled for beating up a Caucasian girl they have been intimidating since the school year began. A few of us know about and have heard what they are planning. They want to have a school shooting. My sister is in the same class as these kids. My locker - all of the grade 12 lockers- is in the same hallway and near some of these kids lockers. We are scared to go to school now. What if they actually shoot someone? What if they kill one of my classmates? My sister? My best friends? Me? And I have no doubt in my mind that they would. This would be the icing on the cake. I am a strong person. I can put up with a lot of stuff and hold the world on my shoulders, if I have too. But if a school shooting does happen, I am faced with the blunt reality of my or someone I know's death.Those of us who know don't know what to do. Should we tell the principal? What would happen? Would they be expelled, or would this just push them to actually do it, sooner than originally planned? Maybe they aren't really serious, and this is just a fear tactic. Would intervening actually cause the event to happen? Even if they are expelled, would they come back to the school and do it just to get revenge on those who informed the teachers of their plans?I have never been afraid to go to school. I have been afraid to go to certain places because I know that random bad things have happened to people there, but in my entire seventeen years have I been afraid to go to school. Never have I been afraid to do something. The other girls in my class, the grade twelves who rule the school, are afraid to come to class. Some of these girls know they can't afford to miss any classes if they want to graduate, yet they would rather fail than come to school knowing what these kids are planning to do.Ever since I was told what these kids are planning to do, I can't get Montreal or Columbine out of my head. We have a lot of major school activities coming up. Anyone of these could be a target for this group. I run half these events. What do you do when your afraid to go to school because you fear for your life? It's a scary scenario and I'm glad it's blown over. Hopefully.

Nov. 16th, 2006 at 5:49 AM
Life sucks sometimes. It's a fact. I know it. Hell, I know it. You spend years being alone, a year and a half that you know you definately have no friends, you go through times when you feel your own family thinks your invisible, well, then you know life sucks. But the fact that life sucks is a fact of life. There is nothing new about that fact. You can be sure that life isn't going to be fair, that it is going to suck. But most of the time there is somebody who is there for you, even if you don't know it. And there are some people, like me, who have a bit of a Messiah complex. No, we can't save the world, but we can change it. There's something about going through life always being the centre of the attention, the popular ones. Then there are the ones that look fine and functional, but inside they feel horrible. Some people think that their worth is designated by who they hang out with, and if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I may sound like a hypocrite when I say this, but having a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't everything. Sure it is great if you find a person who will be there, someone who will love you and support you. Someone you can tell everything too, want to do everything with. But, truth be told, you can survive without them. Friends are a great aspect of life and if you have good ones, they will be there for you no matter what, thick or thin. They will love you and support you unconditionally. And the only way a boyfriend or girlfriend can do that is if they are first a great friend. I'm lucky. I have a boyfriend who is first and foremost a friend that I can count on no matter what. I beleive even if we weren't dating we would still be good friends because we have similiar life experiences. I love all my friends a lot. I would do anything for them. When they feel like crap I will talk to them, listen to them, and be there. I want to make them feel that they have someone there for them, even when someone they like has rejected them for someone else. Life is stupid that way, but you can't always win. Our society is shallow, and it will always be the dumber, partiers who get the ones they want. The guys always want the girls who spend a lot of time on their appearance (hair, make-up, boobs, the whole works) and are willing to go far, and the girls always want the pretty boy jocks or dark handsome muscicians who flatter them and spend money on them. Frankly, I beleive they deserve each other. Not that I'm not guilty of liking the pretty boys or jocks, but I never got them. They never looked twice at me unless they wanted help with their homework. I was the geeky girl with acne, glasses, skinny with no boobs. Who would want to go out with me? It wasn't until I grew up, grew out my blonde hair, got contacts, a shape, and my acne cleared up that any guy looked twice at me. I made the mistake of being with somebody just because they wanted me for my looks. Bad idea. They used me and dumped me. One just wanted me for status and never did a thing with me. Yeah, life sucks. But, luckily I put up with enough bullshit that I got lucky. I know I met a guy who saw the beauty underneath because the first couple times I met him, I looked like crap. Complete with glasses, frizzy hair, and a few honkin pimples. I got lucky. But not everyone does at fifteen and three quarters.Some great people, the ones on the border, end up right where they were a few years back because everyone thinks its cool to pick on them. They don't get lucky and meet someone who becomes their friend and loves them for who they are underneath, the person who sees through everything. Teenagers in particular suck. Yeah, chickens have pecking order, but human beings are more fierce. I worked hard and am still working hard to get the hell out of the pecking order. Nobody feels either way about me, I like to beleive anyway. Someone in standing out so friggin much I fit in. Don't ask me how. This works for some other really awesome people, but then sometimes teenagers, people they beleived are their friends, turn on them again and toss them to the bottom of the pecking order. That feels like crap. It feels horrible to be invisible, but even worse to be picked on.What sucks even more in life is when all of your friends have boyfriends and girlfriends and you are left on your own, feeling like an extra wheel on a vehicle, a chaperon, birth control, used. But you don't say anything because you love your friends and you want them to be happy. What do you do when your best friend since birth seems to pick her boyfriend, who she's hasn't even known for two years, over you. It really sucks to be that best friend. She's stuck in a situation she really doesn't want to be stuck in. Her best friend since birth is going through a really tough time in his life, and everytime that's happened before, from the times they knew they were alone together, she's been there for him. They are closer than family, Closer than siblings. But she got blindsided by first love, a love that shaked her very existance from a person she didn't know could even be. But she has her best friend to thank for that love. She will never be able to repay him, ever. If she owed him in money terms, it would be well over a billion dollars. But what does she do when they both need her? Both feel jealous and feel that she's picking one over the other. The boyfriend feels he can't compete with someone she's been friends with since birth and shared everything in life with. The best friend feels he can't compete with the boyfriend, who she loves in a way that's special. Other than her dad and grandfather, these are the most important men in her life. Because of this jealousy, the feelings that one can't compete with the other, she feels like she has to choose. Boyfriend or best friend since birth? Boy whose always been there for her, or boy that loves and knows her the way she can't even comprehend. She can't cut either from her life and so she feels like its a balancing act. She feels like she uses both of them to get information about the other.They all know life sucks. One looks like he fits in but really he feels so different, outcast. The other wants to fit in, blend in, but he's treated like he's different. She's been in both of their shoes and wants to be there for both of them. Sometimes she wants to wring both of their necks because if they weren't such guys they could seriously help each other because to her they seem incredibly similiar. Maybe that's why she loves them both to death. That's why if it came down to a choice, she'd choose a cat and leave the boys together. Maybe her best friend would feel better if he had the special girfriend he so desperately wants.But somehow everyone can't see the real him. His best friend wishes right now he could find that special girl that can see the part of him that his soul-sister sees. Okay, life sucks, but you get through it. You do you do. You just have to know that their is someone there for you, exprecially a best friend since birth. Hell, I'll help anyone out in a tough time because I've been there, done that and I know how it feels. My friends know (I hope) that they can call me at anytime to talk and I will listen. I just apologize if it is busy. I live in a big household, and someone may be on the Internet, or I may be on the phone with someone else who needs to talk to me.Yeah, life sucks. But there's always a light somewhere, something good.Go ahead as you waste your days with thinkingWhen you fall everyone sinsAnother day and you've have your fill of sinkingWith the life held in yourHands are shaking coldThese hands are meant to holdSpeak to meWhen all you've got to keep is strongMove along, move along like I know you doAnd even when your hope is goneMove along, move along just to make it throughMove alongSo a day when you've lost yourself completelyCould be a night when your life endsSuch a heart that will lead you to deceivingAll the pain held in yourHands are shaking coldYour hands are mine to holdSpeak to meWhen all you've got to keep is strongMove along, move along like I know you doAnd even when your hope is goneMove along, move along just to make it throughMove alongWhen everything is wrong we move alongMove along move along When all you've got to keep is strongMove along, move along like I know you doAnd even when your hope is goneMove along, move along just to make it throughMove along-Move Along, the All American RejectsI love you all. I can't choose because there is no choice. I love you both. I want happiness in both your lives and I wish you could see how much you both deserve what you want.

Nov. 16th, 2006 at 10:11 PM
I'm confuzzled to say the least. Really I am. Maybe I'm just weird. Then again, I do know how one day can change something extremely. Oi. Girls are weird creatures. Though they should know not to flirt with other girls' boyfriends cuz that's a bad thing. Especially if one of those girls happens to be really tough and rather possesive of her boyfriend. Then she does a 180 and asks the broken-hearted one over. A ploy to get at his friends? Or does she finally return his feelings? For his sake I hope so. Really, I do. Nothing is worse that unrequited love. Trust me, I know. I've been through it a few times. Luckily, nobody returned the feelings so I ended up with the right person when it was finally returned. Yeah for destiny or fate or whatever. I do beleive in a higher power, so I wonder about their ideas sometimes. Like, really. It must be fun to screw around with the hearts of poor mortals. Oh well. I'm not feeling up to contemplating the areas of the universe at this moment.Quotes about Love and Human Nature"A wonderfuil fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is consituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other" Charles Dickens"It is impossible to love and be wise" Francis Bacon"To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallable god." Jorge Luis Borges"If we judge love by its usual effects, it resembles hatred more than friendship." La Rochefoucauld"There is only one happiness in life, to love and to be loved" George Sand"The course of true love never did run smooth" Shakespeare"All's fair in love and war" Francis Edward Smedley"The great question that has never been answered and which I havenot yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a women want?"" Sigmund Freud"Women would rather be right than reasonable" Ogden NashStill confuzzled here boys. No one ever tells me anything useful.

Nov. 22nd, 2006 at 12:00 AM
So, my bestest friend may be getting himself a girlfriend. YAY!! Bout time some girl recognized what should be evident in him. Yeah.Oh, I am so busy.I should be in bed.My to-do list (the extremely long complete one) will go up here for public enjoyment and comments of "Are you crazy?" to which the answer is yes.

Nov. 29th, 2006 at 12:35 AM
I wrote this with grad and all that in mind:What's it gonna be likeWhen my world turns upside downWhat't it gonne be likeWhen things get turned aroundWhat's it gonna be likeWhen the stars have their wayWhat's it gonna be likeWhen we all go away?Takes us eighteen years to get hereThe trials of life aboundLearn to walk, learn to speakLearning to beThere's a hand to holdSomeone there to guide usA heart, a homeA place to goBut soon we've got to reach outWhat's it gonna be likeWhen our worlds gets changed aroundWhat's it gonna be likeWhen our life goes upside downWhat's it gonna be likeWhen we all grow upWhat's it gonna be likeWhen we remember nowEighteen years, school and lifeWe learned from everywhereA guiding hand to shape our eyesWe became ourselves nowWhen we go out to shape a futureThose hands will still be thereWhen we fall downWe'll get back upThey taught us toNow we're jumping offTaking flight, growing up so fastNow we're here at the endAnd it's just the beginningWhat's it gonna be likeTo look back to todayWhat's it gonna be likeNow that we've learned to stand our wayWhat's it gonna be likeNow we're setting on our ownWhat's it gonna be likeWhen we make another home

Nov. 29th, 2006 at 12:37 AM
Here's the deal. You learn a lot. I've finally figured out that my life is my own life and I don't need my parents approval. They are human beings just like me, and have their own life. They are entitled to their own choices and opinions just like I am. So I am not going to feel guilty about choices I make for my own happiness anymore. As of last night I have figured out that my life is my life. The choices are mine and if I don/t live my life the way I want to, I will regret it my whole life. I choose to be with who I choose to be with. I choose to be as serious about him as I want to. I know I may be missing something by not being single and open to dating other guys, but I don't care. I found someone, at fifteen, that I believe could be the man I marry. You never know. What is meant to be is meant to be. I know once I graduate and move to the city I will meet so many new and different people. I know there will be a nine month gap where I probably won't see him a lot. Coming after his graduation might be the most interesting time of my life. I will meet lots of new and interesting people, but it will be hard pressed to find someone like the one I'm dating right now. He is different. He is different from so many guys I know well. He is different from girls I know. He is an incredibly unique personality in this world, and it seems to be the one that completely balances out my own while still having a lot in common. And if I find someone who is just like that who I happen to be more attracted to than him, so be it. What will be will be. But right now I love who I love. And we are serious about each other. We can't help it. It is what has happened. No one can talk and know what we know about each other without being incredibly close. He and I know more about each other in a year than what some people know about each other in a lifetime. Staying with him is my choice. And I want to know him for the rest of my life. Because I truely believe that if I didn't end up dating him, I probably would have become great friends with him. We're kindred spirits. He's a lot like my soul sister and soul brother. In different meaning of the term you might call him my soul mate because I don't think of him as a brother or sister like I do the rest of my soul family. Yes, I think of them as my soul family. We aren't related by blood, but our souls are close like family. Thus the term soul brother and soul sister. It has nothing to do with music here people.My life is my own. My decisions, my choices. I'm realizing that. Even though what I do may affect someone else and I have to take that into consideration, but in the end I have to live with everything, every little thing, I do. No one else but me. So where I live, what my career choice is, what I wear, my actions are all my choices, my thoughts. I don't really care what other people think about me. I may be cynical, sarcastic, and a little bitter at times, but I'm also optimistic. I am realistic. I know anything can happen. Life throws curves at you and you deal. You make choices your own way. I'm not going to let people make the important decisions for me anymore. I'm taking life by the horns and living my life now. I understand growing up a little more now. And I think throughout their entire lives, some people never realize this. I don't think I'm going to be as bitter or cynical about life now. I'm still gonna be sarcastic and a little cynical because my mother is right, I am a little too much like her. But at the same time I'm really different. I'm my own person. She doesn't get to see all of me. No one does, and I think it is partly because I don't let them. How can I though? I'm so multi-faceted.Like they say, I'm a little tweaked. I think it's a good thing. Makes me different so I can see things differently than other people do.

Nov. 29th, 2006 at 12:39 AM
Dear You,You have so much to strive for. You are smart, intelligent. You are talented. You have to belive in yourself. You shouldn't hide those lovely blue eyes. That shade is hard to come by, and so are people like you. It's hard in the world if you are different from the masses, but once you strive and go forth from the little place of beginings, people are drawn to you. If your shy, then adjust in your own way. But don't push people away. Believe in yourself. Self-esteem is important, take it from someone who had none for a while.Be yourself. Grow up and be who you want to be. Do what you want to do. Your choices are yours, and never do something you are going to regret. Lots of people love you. You have to look for it in the subtlties, especially that of your true friends. I am one of those people who will always love you. Your strengths are there. Never doubt that. You've just got to wait and see how things turn out. You're going to make it big. I will help you, as a friend, as sister, as a lover.Love, Me

Nov. 29th, 2006 at 11:09 PM
So, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a predicament. What do you do when you feel you have no hopes and dreams, no asperations and goals? Everyone has them, right? What do you do if they have all be squashed out of you? Where do you go if yoe feel you have one thing to live for? I'd hate to be a farmboy stuck in the middle of nowhereStuck in a town where you are uniqueStuck in a family you feel you cannot connect withFeeling like your never going to escape that farm or townFeeling like there is nothing you can doI'd hate to have everyone squishing my growthMy parents keeping me downI'd hate to have my place defined for meMy decisions made for meMy life controlled by someone elseI'm a freedom fighter, what can I say? I think everyone should have that fire in their soul, passions, dreams, goals, asperations. Everyone should be able to make their own choices, and have a choice. As long as they are moral and within the law, but that's another topic. I've got my own dreams, my goals. I'm going to go out on my own, work my own way through university through law school, have a family, make a difference in the world (Who knows, I might be PM one day), grow old, play with my grandkids, play cards with my husband when we retire, and learn how to knit. Dream big, aim big. Every small thing counts.Hard work pays off. But there's always gotta be the motivation. the passion. P>S> I got into a smart person's society at a univserity. Yay! I'm part of a society. See? Hard work pays off.I'm off to apply to university now.

Dec. 10th, 2006 at 9:52 PM
Think of the odds that two people out of the five billion people meet. Now add in the odds that they are both chemically and biologically attracted to each other. Now add in the odds that they are each compatable with the other's personality. Mulitply the odds that they stay together more than a few months and don't go after someone else. You've got some very odd and frightening odds. Worse than winning the lottery. Now think of how many people you meet who are truly and honestly in love in every aspect of the word. From the old couple who have been together for over fifty years to the high school sweethearts that seemed to be permanently attached to each other, and every one in between. Those lucky ones have beat the daunghting odds and found a real love. Not the TV or movie kind of love. Not just romantic, passionate, or intimate love. Not infatuation. Real love that combines everything. The kind of love that makes you protective, makes you miss them when they leave the room, makes every moment with them special, even if it is a passing glance. A love that combines friendship and sexual attraction. A love that makes them closer than anything. A love that uncontrollably intertwines two lives forever into one. Two worlds into one. A love like rain, to be cliche. Love that is real. Love in the eyes and soul.It doesn't matter if those two people are male and female, male and male, or female and female. They beat the odds and found something incredibly rare. Even more rare tham winning the lottery. Sure, they say it happens every day. But if it only happens to two people everyday, and there are only 365 days in a year, when there are five billion people on this earth, those are still very crappy odds.So when you see someone in love like that, if you know someone in love like that, don't sniff at it or be jealous of them. Be happy that they beat the odds, and hope that you pick the right numbers soon so you can experience winning one of the best lotteries in life.